**Makes 1 sammie. You’re going to want to eat it straight from your work station because a) let’s be honest it doesn’t travel (even to a plate) well and b) you’ve given up all sense of decorum by now.**
- 1 medium sized bun (and if you only have small buns like me, don’t worry, just cram it all on there), split in half
- 1 tbsp-ish of some kind of oil that isn’t olive oil (vegetable oil, peanut oil, etc.)
- 1 egg
- 1/2 avocado
- a large pinch of cilantro
- Two thin slices of tomato
- 3-17 slices of pickled jalapeño (optional)
- 1 1/2 tbsp-ish burger sauce
The burger sauce
- 1 tbsp-ish of mayo or thousand island dressing
- 1/2 tsp-ish of vinegar
- 1 tsp-ish of hot sauce
Burger sauce directions
Mix everything together in a bowl or cup so that you have a beautiful sauce ready to drip down the sides of the bun, your hands, and damn near all the way to your elbows.
If you’ve got the means to do it, toast your bun. If you don’t have a toaster or an oven (like me), you can toast your bun in a pan. Or you can just give up on that altogether and go with a cold bun. I’m fine with that! We’re in a pandemic! You’re forgiven for being a little bit lazy and overwhelmed! Look at you in your kitchen attempting this anyway! I’m so proud of you. Put your oil in a pan on high heat and wait until it’s screaming hot. Exercise your newly discovered patience for having to endure your neighbors’ around-the-clock karaoke. You should literally wait until you smell the oil, smell the heat (like you do every time you read or watch the news), until you proceed. Now crack your egg and drop it in the pan. Watch the whites bubble up and go nuts (like at a Trump rally); that’s how you know you’ve waited long enough. You can assist the egg whites by spooning hot oil onto them if you see some trouble spots. The idea is to get the whites nice and crispy while the yolk remains soft and ready to burst. When the egg is done, transfer it to a paper towel to rid it of any extra oil. If you break the yolk, don’t worry, just fold it over itself to stop the bleeding. We’re all doctors right now, are we not? Meanwhile, scoop out your avocado half and smash it on to one side of your bun. On the other side, smear 3/4 of your burger sauce. Pile on the cilantro and tomatoes on either side and the jalapeños if you have them. Stuff that glorious egg somewhere in the middle and drizzle the rest of the burger over top. Attempting to put the two sides together might be almost as difficult as it to stop this pandemic at this point, but give it a whirl. Promptly begin eating. Experience momentary euphoria.
A word on substitutions, additions and omissions
If you don’t have an oil besides olive oil, go ahead and give that a try, you’ll just likely have to add the egg sooner and thus the whites may be less crispy. If you don’t have cilantro, parsley or basil would work wonderfully. If you don’t have mayo or thousand island dressing, ranch dressing would work great, or anything creamy, really, even sour cream or plain (unsweetened) yogurt. Pepperocinis, or any kind of pickled pepper would work nicely if jalapeños aren’t on hand. You can also add bacon or sausage or ham or cheese if you like, too, though this leaning tower of Pisa really doesn’t need it.