A one-way ticket into the world; a one-way ticket away from stability.
It feels weird. It feels crazy. It feels thrilling. Right now, I can’t separate the fear from the fervor, the excitement from the terror. It’s all rolled into one. (I’m excitfied? Terricited?)
I’m leaving the States in July for Mexico City, then Oaxaca, then… into Central America and South America, and who knows where?
In some ways, it’s nauseating, I’ll be honest. I’ve heard of people doing things like this — leaving their jobs and their lives. But in some corner of my mind I think I’ve always assumed its natural, that they have a certain piece of DNA that I do not. That they have deeper plans, more contacts, better talent. That they’re sure. That they’re secure.
Now, here I am embarking on this trip without any of those things. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but it’s not natural. I don’t feel sure, I don’t feel secure. I feel inspired, and intent that it’s something certain in my soul, something that some part of me needs to do, something I won’t regret. (As long as I live through it — yep, death is on the list of my fears.) But if you don’t think there’s some element of me that wants to leap back into the safe arms of a company where I was doing just fine, then, well, you’re romanticizing the journey just like I always have. I’ve put *time* into thinking about failure, about what will happen if I start digging into my savings and prospects look bleak. I’m envisioned moving back to the states, to some city, and getting a job to simply pay the bills. I tell people I’m not scared of that — because it’s my way of acknowledging that it’s a possibility — but the truth is, I am.
I appreciate people telling me I’m brave, but I don’t necessarily feel that way. I just feel like I’m doing something I need and want desperately to do, and in order to make it happen, I’m pushing the fear down deep into my gut.
One thing I know for sure, as long as I live through this (yep, there’s that death fear again), I will be better for it in many ways. Wandering the earth and finding people and stories along the way, is what makes me feel the most alive.
I’m diving in; I’ll figure it out as I go, I know this: it definitely won’t be boring.